Grand Theft Parsons (2003) - Synopsis
It's 1973 and road manager Phil Kaufman (played by Jackass' JOHNNY KNOXVILLE) gets a call in the dead of night. His friend and charge, country star Gram Parsons has overdosed at the Joshua Tree Inn. Thinking back to the pact the pair made just two months ago, Kaufman speeds off on his Harley trike to get the body. He's too late - it's already been taken to the hospital. In his leather jacket emblazoned with a Sin City logo, cowboy hat and bloodshot eyes, the officious receptionist is less than impressed. Borrowing a white coat he locates Gram’s body in the morgue but just as Kaufman's about to wheel the body out he's stopped by a doctor.
Back home he finds girlfriend Susie (MARLEY SHELTON) has reappeared after a long absence. There's a knock on the door. It's Barbara, Gram's gold digging ex-girlfriend, played by CHRISTINA APPLEGATE. Waving a scrap of paper on which there is a scrawled note, she claims Gram has pledged all his money to her and now she's after his guitar. Kaufman claims not to have it so a livid Barbara turns the place over in her search for it.
In the wreck of his house, Kaufman calls the funeral home to find out where Gram's body has been taken. Susie, fed up with Kaufman's unpredictable ways, leaves again. This time it's for good, she says.
Kaufman turns up at the house of hippie Larry Oster-Berg (MICHAEL SHANNON). Kaufman wants to borrow his hearse for "a prank". After much haggling the hearse, christened Bernice, turns out to be bright yellow and painted with flowers and Oster-Berg insists that he accompanies 'her' everywhere. Kaufman and Oster-Berg drive to LAX where they spend the night in a hangar.
Gram's father Stanley Parsons (played by Academy Award nominee ROBERT FORSTER) is at the airport to pick up his son's body while Barbara is at the bank attempting to charm the implacable manager into handing over Gram's cash.
Kaufman bribes the clerk (played by JONATHAN SLAVIN) at LAX to let him take the body. He's about to wheel the coffin out to the hearse when a chance remark by the clerk reveals it's a woman's body in the casket. Gram's body is already halfway across the tarmac. More dollars ensure the body doesn’t make it onto the flight. On board, Stanley Parsons spots the coffin handler's about-turn and rushes off the plane to find out what's gone wrong.
As Kaufman signs the necessary paperwork he spies a police officer (played by CLINT CULP) questioning a nervous Larry beside the hearse. With the body in tow Kaufman blusters his way past the officer and they're on their way. Larry drives the car away and crashes straight into the hangar wall. The cop is about to book the pair but gets an emergency call and rushes off telling them to wait. Kaufman and Larry drive off but Kaufman's jibes about Larry's driving cause the hippie to come screeching to a halt. Kaufman persuades Larry that he's onto a coffin recycling scam and needs to deliver the empty casket to Palm Springs later that day. Under the circumstances perhaps they could renegotiate their financial deal…
In the hangar Stanley is questioning the clerk about the disappearance of the body. The man who stole the coffin has signed himself 'John Nobody'. "And where do I find this John Nobody?" There, says the clerk, pointing to the yellow hearse just outside. Stanley rushes out but he's too late. The hearse roars out of the hangar.
Kaufman and Larry hit the road and Barbara gets news that Gram's body has been stolen. Stanley learns from the clerk that the hearse is headed for Joshua Tree. Barbara turns up at Kaufman's house just as Susie is packing up the last of her things. She tells her that Kaufman has stolen Gram and that she should come with her if she wants to find out exactly what Kaufman is capable of. A reluctant Susie sets off in Barbara's car.
In the hearse Larry is expounding his theory of the Yin and the Yang when he drives straight into a road sign. A highway patrol cop passes seconds later and the pair are rumbled. Cuffed to the steering wheel the cop radios for help. All the cop's talk of stealing a body has got Larry even more jittery but he manages to slip out of the cuffs and get the hearse back on the road, running over the officer's motorcycle for good measure.
Running low on booze Kaufman insists they stop at a dinosaur themed roadside diner, the Polyanox Place. Stanley Parsons is the next customer through the door. Kaufman and Larry overhear him telling the barman that his son's body has been stolen. Kaufman bundles Larry out of the door but Larry's heard too much and insists on looking in the casket. Distraught he marches back towards the diner to enlighten Parsons Senior. Kaufman wrestles Larry to the floor, accidentally knocking him out. With the unconscious hippie in the passenger seat Kaufman is back on the road. When Larry comes round he smashes Kaufman over the back of the head with an empty liquor bottle. As he does a U-turn back towards the diner he spots Stanley going in the opposite direction. Larry follows him once he manages to get his car re-started.
The hearse pulls up at the Joshua Tree Inn, Kaufman still unconscious. Larry finds Stanley in one of the rooms and is invited in. Susie and Barbara turn up and Kaufman comes to. With Barbara desperately trying to get at the body in the back of the hearse, Kaufman finds Larry and Stanley. Stanley wants to call the police. Kaufman explains his reasons for taking the body and asks Stanley to let him cremate Gram's remains. Barbara rushes for the phone but Kaufman bundles her into the bathroom. Both Stanley and Kaufman realise that neither of them were there for Gram when he needed them the most. It takes a speech by Larry to persuade Stanley to let the cremation go ahead. Stanley leaves and Kaufman, Larry and Susie head off for the desert.
Barbara escapes from the bathroom and sets off in hot pursuit only for a traffic cop to pull her over. With the cop more interested in Barbara's driving license than her hysterical story about a ritual burning in the desert, she's served a speeding ticket.
In an emotional scene at Cap Rock Kaufman says his goodbyes. It's time to make good on the pact. He lights his cigar and throws it into his friend's coffin with the words "Gram, good luck to you, wherever you are." The body goes up in flames. Nearby Stanley Parsons watches his son's last rites and bows his head in respect. With siren and lights blazing Barbara and the cop turn up on the scene, too late.
It's dawn. In a dreamy sequence Kaufman imagines Gram is in the seat next to him. They share a drink. Gram thanks him and Kaufman replies "I'm just taking care of business. That's what you paid me for - that's what I do." When they arrive back in LA and now that they've fulfilled their debt to a friend, Kaufman and Larry do what they have to do - turn themselves in to the police. They are fined and released.
