Ali G in da House (2002) - Synopsis
Ali G Production Diary
DAY 1: First day of filmin - hexpected to go to LA, but instead got taken just round da corner from me Nan's. Has big row wiv Director, Mike Marlod, coz it don't look nuffink like Souf Central.
Him hexplain dat da film Aint done in da same order as da script, which iz well fick. Meet some of da ovver actors. Aint sure about Charles Dance - him keeps kissin me every time we meet and walkin into wardrobe while i iz in me pants.
DAY 2: Filmin stuff today at da John Nike Leisure Centre - so dat's where me went. No one iz dere.
Hang around for a bit den go home. Dis car turns up and takes me to anovver leisure centre dat iz been made to look like da John Nike.
How's da film goin to be believable if fings like dis appen? Luckily da kidz I iz actin wiv iz totally realistic and when dis 8 old said him had lost his virginity, me woz genuinely himpressed until me remembered him woz just sayin lines from da script.
DAY 3: Turned up late coz me ad to sign on. Luckily it didnąt matter, Coz so did Charles Dance.
I iz already gettin well pissed off wiv da caterin. Why iz it dat me and da actors has to eat crap like salads and weird fish called sooshee' and sammun', when ovver people, who aint even stars, and just messes about wiv cables and fings, gets proper food like burgers and KFC? Me threatens to walk - da producer caves in and lets me eat wiv dem - free of charge.
DAY 4: Today we iz filmin dese bits where me has to do a car chase round Staines wiv Hassan B. Him iz given a much better car to drive dan me, just coz it says so in da script.
Me suggest to Mike Marlod dat we just change da script in dat case. Him says dat if we keep doin fings like dat, den the story wonąt make sense. Me point out dat it aint goin to make sense anyway seein as he's filmin it in all da wrong order.
Him comes up wiv some feeble hexcuse about it bein sorted out in a edit or somefin. I iz beginning to fink he iz a bit off a bellend.
DAY 5: Today we iz filmin in Staines and it iz de biggist event in de city since Wolf from Gladiator re-opened de Bakers Oven in de Elmsleigh centre.
De High Street is at a standstill, but dat iz mostly coz it iz pensions day and most of de old biddies cant walk. De designer iz workin hard to make de place look less shitty.
It iz good to be finally givin sumfin back to de community, namely de 13 street signs and 4 park benches dat I iz nicked over de last 6 months.
DAY 6: We iz filmin at a country ouse wiv a load of people who iz playin world leaders. One of dem plays da Precident of somewhere in Jamaica - at last me aint da only black man in da film.
Dere iz dis scene where everyone has to get mashed - me has annover big row wiv Mike Marlod coz him wont let me supply da erb. I iz proved right when it turns out Dat da stuff his lot has bought iz fake and everyone has to pretend to be Off dere tits (hexcept Michael Gambon, who iz smart to skin up wiv his own gear).
DAY 7: Today I iz well hexcited, coz at last, we iz flyin to LA. Fings get off to a wikkid start at da airport when me iz hupgraded to Economy Class everyone else as to stay in Business.
Stay in a amazin motel, in a room, check dis - next to Willis from Diffrent Strokes. I iz at last hit da big time.
DAY 8: Film in Souf Central LA. Me feel like dis iz me spiritual ome - only 3 days ago dere woz a genuine hactual drive-by just round da corner from where we iz filmin.
Why cant Staines be dis good? And why cant all of da film, even da bits set in Staines, ave been filmed ere? Has ANNOVER benny wiv Mike Marlod coz me managed to find a gun shop where me bought a real gun to use for filmin.
He goes mental and hinsists dat we use fake ones - imagine how rubbish Terminator would have looked if dey had done dat.
Me wanted to make a film dat iz REAL - I iz beginnin to fink dis might not appen.
DAY 9: Fly back to Hengland. After da high off goin to LA, me iz losin intrest in da rest of da movie.
Me suggests dat maybe we dont do da rest of it - we iz already shot 32 hours of film, which iz got to be enuf.
Who iz goin to want to sit thru more dan dat?
DAY 10: Today we iz filmin stuff dat iz sposed to look like da Ouses Of Parlament.
Da inside aint dat bad, but from da outside, it look just like a big shed - no one is goin to believe it iz real.
Me iz well gettin well depressed. Dis iz made worse by Charles Dance turnin up and straight away kissin me on da face again. If he does it just one more time, me swear I will smoke him.
DAY 11: Brilliant news. Today, hunexpectedly iz da very last day of filmin.
Workin Titles, who iz payin for da hole fing, iz scene wot we iz filmed so far and dey fink it iz so good dat we dont need to do any more.
Dey must be well appy coz dey iz promised me a premiere party in Hollywood' and dey dont just hire out what iz offishally de 2nd best nightclub in Bracknell to any old prick. .. unless it iz on a tuezday.